Bring it back to square one

For a while there, I tried to change my life. Well, life changed around me, and I tried to change with it. Friends moved away, my office moved to a bigger location down the street, I lost Augie puppy, left the single life for the world of dating… I started apartment hunting. I’ve felt a little unfulfilled lately, lonesome, bored. Looking for that one thing that’s missing is a hard thing to do. I miss the closeness of a real, grown up relationship.

I looked at a place not long ago with slightly cheaper rent. It was a cozy one bedroom on the Smoke Bluffs, the ad said “windows all around”. Well, I’m a sucker for light, and that’s a nice area. I thought I would give it a shot. As it turned out, the living room was large enough to fit about 2 pieces of my furniture. I thought to myself “Well, I can sell the futon… but where would my house guests sleep? And it’s not as comfy as the loveseat… then there’s the big white antique piece mom gave me… it would never go in here…” Before I knew it, I’d talked myself right out of the place. It was nice, but not for me.

I came home that day and played with Pal in the living room. Sure, a single woman does not need almost 1000sqft, but it sure is nice to play fetch inside when it’s raining. We took a walk through the estuary right outside our door. Listened to the silence that comes with being on the edge of town. I thought it over some more. James Bondage is coming up soon. That apartment is not the kind of place where I could host a Lace-Up party, or come home to at 4am in very questionable clothing. It’s a suite in a family home, with a little kid. While I’m not much of a party animal, I do like to have the freedom to do it every so often. I realized that right where I am is where I am happiest. Who was I kidding? I love my home!

Yesterday, some friends who moved away showed up for a surprise visit. Another has come back for a few months. I’m at the pub more frequently again. Life’s getting back to square one, but with some improvements. I’m happy right where I am, and now I know what I want too.

Today, I feel happy. I feel good. A good song came on, I warmed up some coffee on the stove, put on my favorite sweater, looking at the snow on the mountains and feeling the cold air flowing into the clean kitchen from the open window. All these things that remind me, in some weird way, that I am loved, that my life is full and happy, and that I really have nothing to worry about.